22

I always do a journal entry the day before my birthday; I have done since I was about 8 years old. I reflect on the year, my highs and lows, and usually come up with a bunch of goals and manifestations for the following year. I forgot my journal (I'm at my boyfriend's house), so I'm going to do my entry here instead. 22 was what I wanted to be my year of rest and relaxation, although it didn't really feel like it. I didn't study, and decided to wait a year before doing my masters. I worked, and my hours got cut to only 16 hours a week, so I wasn't making much money either. I went on two overseas trips, to Japan and Vietnam. I started The Letter Gram, and tried to take my art seriously. I had some severe anxiety and panic attacks, which I hadn't experienced for about a year and a half. I felt like I was going backwards, like I wasn't using my time productively and I was lazy. I went back to therapy, and had to see a range of medical professionals for all the health issues I was experiencing, likely because of my disrupted nervous system. I kept asking myself - what's wrong with me? I was forcing myself to have a year off, to relax, finally, and to 'find myself'. This was not the self I wanted to find, but maybe it was the self I had to find. Everything had bubbled to the surface, and I was forced to face who I really was, and who I needed to be. I hate bright lights, I get migraines when I feel stress build up, and I hate arguing, but when I don't say how I feel it stays as tension in my body. I need to move my body everyday, I need to wear my glasses more, I need to take deep breaths. I am allowed to cry, yell, defend myself, and feel things deeply. I don't need to clean up after other people, and it's not my job to fix other peoples problems, even if it really feels like it. I like being alone. I hate being lonely. I feel sad often, and I love deeply. These are some things I learnt about myself this year. Don't get me wrong - I had a lot of fun this year, and accomplished a lot. This year was productive and special, because rest IS productive, even if it doesn't feel like it.